Another Year

Yesterday would have been my father's birthday. And, for the first time in the 9 years that he has been gone, I didn't cry.

It sounds silly to people who have not truly lost someone close to them, but the pain of that loss never leaves you. You do learn to turn it off a little better, but it is always there under the surface. And, while I feel that I can keep it in check pretty well now, there are times where it pops up out of the blue and I am suddenly sobbing uncontrollably. Someone mentions his name, or talks about how special their own father is, and boom, I am crying like a baby.


I am so fortunate to have had a father like mine was. He was a great listener; he could solve any problem I ever had; he could make me laugh no matter how sad/mad I was feeling; he was a great storyteller and had a beautiful smile; he loved his friends and family with his whole heart; he gave wonderful hugs (as most good fathers do!); he was so smart & funny...I could truly go on and on and on... :) I am still amazed by the number of lives he touched. And, I am most honored to call him my Daddy.


I am glad that I was able to reflect on him on his birthdate this year and not be consumed with the sadness that accompanies the loss of a loved one. Instead, I was filled with the love that I felt for him and the love that I know he felt for me. I bathed in the lovely memories that he left me with, most especially the blessing of having a parent who helped me grow, made me feel safe and cherished me. I gave praise to God for the great gift of having a father who was as wonderful as mine was.


I hope that you express to your family/friends how very much you love them everytime you see them. I know that families can be frustrating (trust me I know, I work with mine!), but they still are what have shaped you to be the human beings that you are. I am blessed in the knowledge that the last thing I said to my father and the last thing he said to me was, "I love you." And, more blessed because I know that we both meant it.

Help My Unbelief

One of my dear friends, Jenny, sent me this poem by Darlene Suter. It is based on Mark 9:20-24 and is a perfect summary of the feelings that I tried to express in my "A Little Truth" post, so I thought I'd share it with you guys. Here are the feelings I've been experiencing a little more eloquently:

God, it seems that everyone is confident but me.

They pat my back and smile and tell me not to worry.

They say that it will happen in just the perfect time.

And that if I just relax then everything will work out fine.

I know they aren't malicious and I know they all mean well

But do they truly see my heart and the pain of which it tells?

It's easy to have faith for rain with storm clouds in great supply.

But can you still believe when there's not a cloud in the sky?

I admit my faith often fails me and at times I'm ready to quit

And to be quite honest, I often don't want to submit.

I'm scared of your will and scared of your answer--afraid it will be "No."

I'm afraid I'll somehow lose myself and the grace that You bestow.

So help me on this journey, I pray, and when trials cause me not to see

Like a child of yours once said--I believe, Lord, help my unbelief.


Wishing you all a blessed Wednesday,

Scarlett

Eight Years

Today is the 8th Anniversary of our wedding day. Eight years ago, we became husband and wife. A mere 8 years ago, I got to stand before all of our friends and loved ones and marry my very best friend. Eight years ago today my life began.

Chris and I actually dated for 3 years before we got married, so we've actually been together ELEVEN years! For those of you who are not quick mathematicians, that is ONE THIRD of my life that we have spent together.

We met in a bar when I was in college at ECU and Chris was in the Marine Corps. (Side Note: We plan on telling our children we met in church. J/K!) We met in a lovely (sarcasm insert) place called the Texas Two Step. (For those of you who remember the place, don't be jealous!) We feel like it was fate that brought us together because neither one of us wanted to go out the night that we met. One of my girlfriends, Melanie, came to my apartment in Greenville and told me we were going out dancing. I tried everything I could to talk her out of it, but finally to appease her, I put on some lipstick and went out the door with her. (Note: No shower to get ready, no other makeup, no special outfit.) Chris, who had been recuperating for a couple of months from surgery on his ACL, was not in the mood to go out either. He had not really been off of the base much since his medical procedure and did everything he could to convince his friends that he was staying in his barracks. Luckily for me, they talked him into going at the last minute.

Melanie and I had been at the club for about an hour before I met my future husband. We had danced with a few people and talked to some more and I was really starting to feel like it was time to leave when a cute red head approached and, smiling, asked if we wanted to dance. From that first smile on, I never wanted to dance with anyone else.

I could never have imagined that first night all the joy that Chris would bring into my life. The thing that I love the most about him is the way he can make me laugh from the depths of my soul. We never go to bed without saying I love you and I never have to worry about whose side he is on...it is always mine. :) He is my biggest cheerleader and he loves me for me; He is loyal to a fault and would walk through fire to make me happy. He is the greatest thing to ever happen to me and the love of my life. And, he's a hottie! (Sorry, had to put that in here!)

Here's a picture of us on our wedding day, November 4, 2000.

Eight years has gone by in a flash. And, I still can't believe how lucky I am to have him as my husband.

A Little Truth...

A few of my readers know of the struggle that Chris and I have faced in our pursuit to be parents. For those of you who don't I will tell you that it has been one of the most difficult things that I have ever had to face. It has pushed me to points that have made me question my faith and my self-worth.

As a little girl, I seemed to have an obsession with having a baby of my own. Whenever my parents would ask me what I wanted for Christmas or my birthday, I always had the same reply...a baby. I didn't ask for another brother or a sister, I truly wanted a baby for myself. One that I could play with, teach things to and most of all, to love. I am 33 years old and still wishing for the same thing.

The problem for us lies with me and as much as people (Chris included) tell me that it is not my fault and that there is nothing I can do to help it, I still blame myself for it all. I am the reason that we do not have a baby. I am the reason that we have an empty bedroom in our house with no real hope of having a child anytime soon. I am the reason that my husband, who would be the most amazing father a child could ever have, may never get to be a Daddy.

The hurt that one feels when they cannot have a child is indescribable. It is an ache that is so deep and so raw. It is with me when I wake in the morning, it punches at my soul when I try and make it through yet another day, it keeps me up at night...It is a pain that does not leave you.

We have been trying to get pregnant for 6 years. At first we were just trying on our own, but when it didn't happen and didn't happen, we started realizing we might need some assistance. I have had surgery, steroids, hormones, fertility treatments and procedures that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. There is nothing more humiliating than being in a room full of people (I don't give a crap if they are "medical professionals") stark naked with them staring at everything you have and probing you with instruments that look like they came from a mail-order only catalog.

We have had moments where we thought we might be pregnant. I've seen more negative pregnancy tests than I care to admit and I've held out hope many times when I knew better...I just couldn't seem to help myself. And, I've had a doctor tell me that they think it might have actually worked this time, only to start my period a few hours later.

Being childless makes for awkward social situations. Everyone seems to want to center their social life around their children. And, honestly, if we had little ones of our own, we would probably be the same way. But, when you don't have them, it is frustrating to find ANYONE who wants to do anything that doesn't involve bedtimes/picky eaters/changing diapers. I think I am more sensitive to this because of how hard it is for Chris to be around small children. I can actually see the deep pain behind those macho expressions that seems to be screaming, I should have one too! As a for instance, we were standing in line to vote this weekend and there was a family with a 2 1/2 year old little girl in front of us. As we were standing there, she put her arms up for her Dad to pick her up and as he did she put her little hands on either side of his face and squeezed it together and said, "I love you, Daddy." Chris looked at me and said, "Why don't you just stab me thru my heart right now?" I knew exactly what he meant.

More people than I care to mention have offered advice on what we might be doing wrong and let us know what we should be doing to get a baby. And, we always have people telling us that they "know it's going to happen for us" or we get the "when you stop trying, that's when it will happen." And, while I know they mean well, it is painful to hear them try to pacify our pain when they have no way of knowing if we will ever be able to have one.

This last week, we had the possibility of getting a little boy through an open adoption. It was a VERY long shot, but still a possibility. We prayed and hoped and prayed some more and finally the news came that the mother had delivered the baby boy. Upon seeing him, she decided that she would be keeping him. While I know that there is nothing we could do differently, my heart broke at the news that once again, God seemed to be saying not you.

I don't know what the future holds. I do not know if we will ever have the good fortune of being parents. I do know that we will continue to rely on our family, our friends and most of all each other. And, while we will have many happy days ahead, we will both be incomplete until we are a Daddy and Mommy.

Personal Request

Many of my fellow Kinstonians remember Todd Howard who sadly passed away from cancer a few years ago. As many of you also know, his young twin sons, Jackson & Jacob, are autistic. The CAPS (Comprehensive Autism Planning System) program under which they have been getting assistance is undergoing a change which if enacted would CUT their MUCH NEEDED services to HALF of what they have been getting.

I am including a portion of a letter that I received that provides information on legislators we can contact on behalf of this family. Please do your part and CONTACT someone on behalf of these precious boys BEFORE NOVEMBER 1, 2008!!!!

For information on autism, please visit www.autism-society.org

LETTER FROM THE HOWARD FAMILY:
As of November 1, 2008 the current CAP waiver will be expiring, unless otherwise deterred, the new CAP waiver will go into effect. The new waiver places limits on the number of home and community support hours a child may receive per day. On days that school is in operation, a child may only receive 3 hours of home and community supports. The new CAP waiver would cut Jackson and Jacob’s services in half. This cut would directly impact Jackson and Jacob’s individual CAP plans and the amount of one on one training time taken from their routine would be felt immediately on a day to day basis, not to mention the cumulative impact of lost training over an annual basis. The loss of these service hours could ultimately impact Jackson and Jacob through regression in acquired skills.

The primary reasons for sharing this information is to inform and request your urgent plea to the appropriate persons on behalf of Jackson and Jacob. I am aware of the following legislators you can contact (in addition to your legislator) regarding your concerns.
Senator Martin Nesbitt (919) 751-3001 martinn@ncleg.net
Senator Larry Shaw (919) 733-9349 larrys@ncleg.net
Representative Verla Insko (919) 733-7208 verlai@ncleg.net

My personal awareness of these details is recent. This brief time frame only adds to the urgent nature of this request. It is my understanding that all appeals will be given consideration, not only those from persons directly impacted by the new waiver, (i.e. special needs children, immediate family members, CAP employees) but also from those aware of the direct impact that such a waiver would have on the lives Jackson and Jacob.

I am including key points of information that you may want to take into consideration when you appeal on behalf of the twins.

• Jackson and Jacob are two of four children being raised by their widowed mother.

• Jackson and Jacob’s CAP program has consistently utilized the CAP funding for a uniquely individualized and intensive Applied Behavior Analysis/Verbal Behavior program with life changing results.
• As a result of meticulously and appropriately utilizing CAP funding for Jackson and Jacob, profound progress is observable and supported through an evidenced based therapeutic system accompanied with data to substantiate significant progress.
• Jackson and Jacob’s mother has and continues to maximize each and every teachable opportunity that is provided through the source of CAP funding. The ultimate goal being utilizing all that is provided to the ultimate benefit and unique advancement of Jackson and Jacob.

Happy Birthday Baby

Today is my sweet doxy's birthday. My darling Cola Bear (or Coke-y Cola as my niece calls him) is 13 years young today. Cola started out as my brother's dog, then went to live with my parents for a little while and finally ended up moving in with me in 1999.

Cola is getting a little age on him now, but in his younger years, he could sit, roll over and even play dead...we'd point our fingers like guns and say, "Bang!" and he would roll over on his back with his legs in the air and his tongue hanging out to the side. If you walked into the room at the end of the trick, you might have actually fallen for his act. The only thing that would give him away is his tail beating on the ground because he was excitedly anticipating a treat for doing his signature move. The funniest thing you ever saw!

One thing Cola can still do is say I love you...well, I'll admit it's more along the lines of OOOohhh ooohh oohhh, but a Momma knows what her baby is saying even if no one else does.

As I type this post, my sweet baby boy is doing what he does best...He is snoring away snuggled up next to his Momma. His contented little sighs let me know that he feels safe and loved on this the day of his birth and I am oh so grateful for getting to share it with him.

Happy Birthday, sweet Cola Bear!

Rock on?

I am definitely NOT known for my dancing ability. I've never really been that great at it (well, maybe okay at tap once upon a time), and my talents have certainly declined with my ever-increasing age and weight. It is so bad that I even refuse to do the white girl snap and sway when I am with my girlfriends trying to re-live pieces of our youth at those ridiculously smoky nightclubs playing music that has no true melody, but simply repetitive beats of nothingness. (Were they that bad when we were in our 20's and we were so desperate in looking for male companionship that we didn't notice?)


Anywho...


The one place that I do feel completely comfortable in my dancing ability, the place that I seem to feel the beat of every piece of music I hear, the place where my body just can't say no to the thump thump thump of the downbeat is...my car. I don't know why, I don't even notice it coming, I just look up and see the people staring from the car beside me and realize that I've been caught doing it again. That's right, I've been rocking out to a good tune. I have no control over it, it seems. It just happens.


I've tried keeping the music low, I've even tried to look around me and remind myself that the people on the other side of the glass can see me as well as I can see them, but 30 seconds into a good song and I am swaying along, thumping on the steering wheel, head moving and singing at the top of my lungs.


Now, usually the only one that is affected by my "rocking out" is myself, but a funny thing happened this week that let me know that the physical movements from inside my car can be interpreted by other people in ways I may not intend.


On my way to the grocery store this week, I was shocked and excited to hear "Paradise by the Dashboard Lights" on a local station. (Side note: if you do not know this song by Meatloaf, learn it. It is hilariously wonderful!) Well, like any self-respecting, former musical theatre major, I let loose with a whole routine of movements. Since I live about a minute from Food Lion, there was still a good bit of the song left to enjoy when I pulled up into the parking lot. So, I sat in my car for the next few minutes and rocked on with my dear Meatloaf. (2nd Side Note to April---you know I had to at least reach the part where he almost inaudibly asks, "Am I hurtin' ya' baby?)


So, I finished the song and gathered my things together and started heading into the store where I saw a little old lady standing and laughing. Thinking she was senile, I smiled and started walking past her when she stopped me to tell me that she was glad that she was able to watch me in the parking lot and realize that I was actually moving to the song on the radio.


Apparently, this sweet little lady was in front of me on the drive into the store and thought that I was suffering from some sort of road rage. She actually thought I was accosting her from behind the steering wheel of my white Honda minivan. Ugghh! I was/am absolutely horrified! Not just because she thought my hand gestures were me flipping her off repetitively, but also because she actually saw me dancing for a good 3-4 minutes when I truly thought I was invisible to the world around me. It was a true wake up call that told me that I need to get my car dancing gestures under control before I offend someone else or worse, embarrass myself with my non-dancing abilities.


So, for now, I am going to try and keep my head bopping and air drumming (never really been into air guitar) under control. I am going to try and keep my hands at 10 and 2 and my mouth closed.


But, if you happen to be riding in this little town of Kinston, and see a crazy brunette thrashing about in her vehicle, instead of making fun or assuming that she is cussing you out, how about giving her a friendly wave that says, Rock on, sister, rock on.

Stealing from Jenny...

My friend Jenny (http://www.lillimakes3.blogspot.com) uses her Thursday posts to list the things that she is thankful for. While I am going to try and limit my theft to this one post, I would like to take a moment to list a few things that I am grateful for.

First, there's the obvious things...my family, my friends, my sweet doggy, my general good health (taking away the fact that my ass is the size of Texas), my home and those things that make my life a little more comfortable--like a/c, my own car, etc.

Then there are those things that I take for granted every second of every day...having sight, being able to hear (especially music, Josie's laughter, and the sound of my hubby telling me he loves me), the ability to speak and have my voice heard, the ability to sing (even if it's mostly for my own pleasure), the freedom to worship how I choose, the right to hold the REMOTE (even if it is not as often as I'd like ;-p )...the list goes on and on...

Finally there are those things that I don't even realize to be thankful for. That did not come out as eloquent as I was going for, but anywho...what I am trying to say, is I am thankful for those times that the blue hair in front of me is driving 15 miles under the speed limit keeping me from having an accident; the days that my friends cancel their plans with me and I end up spending an unexpected day with my Mom; the fact that I got to spend the last day of my Daddy's life with him and know that the last thing we said to each other was "I love you"...

I spend so much time focusing on what I don't have in this life, that I forget to be thankful for things that I do. I forget to give thanks for the beauty that is my life. I forget to be grateful for the blessings that are right in front of me.

So this day, or as Jenny refers to it, this "Thankful Thursday", I give thanks for it all, what is here, what has been and what's to come.

Monday...

One of my favorite sayings is "Always remember you are absolutely unique...just like everyone else." It is such a true statement on life and for some reason, I have really been thinking about it lately.

Like everyone, I guess, I sometimes wonder what my purpose on this earth is. I lead such an unimportant life. I don't say this lightly. And, it is not my intention to make you feel sorry for me. I just know that if I were somehow zapped from this chair I am typing from, not much would change for anyone else. I don't mean that my family and friends would not be sad, I know that they would. But aside from those few people, there would really be no big shift in the world stating...HEY! Someone important is gone.

In realizing the above statements, I am a little sad that I have done nothing with myself that makes me valuable to the world around me. No big accomplishments, no contributions to be proud of, nothing that sets me apart from anyone.

I wish I knew what I am supposed to be doing with this life. Is there really any purpose at all?

It's funny that most good parents (mine included) raise us believing that we are special. We grow up believing that the world revolves around us...we are the stars of our lifestories. At some point, some of us grow up and realize that maybe our views are somewhat skewed and that, somewhere along the way, several billion other "special" people were created at the same time we were, and perhaps, we are not as rare a commodity as we once believed.

I need to find a way to stop focusing on myself and start focusing on the needs of the people and world around me. I so often get caught up in what I want for my life, what needs I have that are not being met.

I guess I leave today with no clear answer to my question. But, if you are reading this and care to respond, I would like to know this from you:
What is your purpose?

TGIF

FRIDAY IS FINALLY HERE! I can't tell you how glad I am to be coming to the end of the week. I have been keeping my niece, Josie, this week because her regular daycare provider (aka, my mother) has been under the weather.

Those of you who have been around me 2 seconds in the last 2 years, 9 months & 13 days, can attest to the fact that I ADORE HER! She is the SUNSHINE of my life and I can't imagine that I would ever love my own children anymore than I do her, but...WOW! She can wear a 30+ girl out! I'm not complaining, though. I have thoroughly enjoyed our week together.

We've had a busy week with preschool, dance class and even a field trip to a nearby Pumpkin Patch. And, watching her nap beside me right now, I can see that the week has taken it's toll on her as well.

To those of you who are lucky enough to be parents, I hope that you are savoring every moment possible with your little ones. I hope that you are hugging, kissing, listening to, comforting, entertaining, teaching, believing in and loving them. You have no idea how fortunate you are to be blessed with them.

I know that I am lucky to have a niece as special as Josie in my life. I am fortunate that my brother and his wife let me spend so much time with her. And, I am blessed to have the love of my precious little Josie, which she gives to her "Aunt Scah-det" so freely. But, what I am most selfishly thankful for this Friday is that tomorrow morning, when this precious little baby girl wakes up at her typical 7ish AM, I will be tucked into my wonderfully comfortable bed with no responsiblity to get up and take care of anyone but myself! :)

Shade of Red

Everytime I meet a new person and they find out my name I will inevitably be given some line from Gone With the Wind (usually along the lines of "Frankly my dear I don't give a damn" or "Miss Scaaaahlet, Miss Scaaaalet, I don't know nothin' 'bout birthin' no babies"). And, then the person will break into hysterical laughter as if they were the first person to ever think of this.

Well, for those of you who don't know, scarlet is also a vivid shade of red with a hint of orange. It is further defined as of a color at the end of the color spectrum (next to orange); resembling the color of blood or cherries or tomatoes or rubies. I point this out because I was actually named for the color. All of the women from my father's side of my family are named for a color. Names include Hazel, Iris, my own, and Amber.

The way that my parents (well, let's be honest here-my mother) settled on Scarlett is that my father was nicknamed Red. So, to pay homage to him, and to keep with the colorful tradition, my name was born.

For as long as I can remember, everyone who knew my family has commented on how much I look and act like my father. I take both as a huge compliment. My father had beautiful, soulful, blue eyes and a heart of gold. He was a true Southern gentleman who believed in hard work, honesty, humility and kindness. There is no one that I could ever admire as much as I did (and still do) him.

So, it is with honor that I wear this name, that is more than just a color, but also, hopefully, a shade of Red.