A Little Truth...

A few of my readers know of the struggle that Chris and I have faced in our pursuit to be parents. For those of you who don't I will tell you that it has been one of the most difficult things that I have ever had to face. It has pushed me to points that have made me question my faith and my self-worth.

As a little girl, I seemed to have an obsession with having a baby of my own. Whenever my parents would ask me what I wanted for Christmas or my birthday, I always had the same reply...a baby. I didn't ask for another brother or a sister, I truly wanted a baby for myself. One that I could play with, teach things to and most of all, to love. I am 33 years old and still wishing for the same thing.

The problem for us lies with me and as much as people (Chris included) tell me that it is not my fault and that there is nothing I can do to help it, I still blame myself for it all. I am the reason that we do not have a baby. I am the reason that we have an empty bedroom in our house with no real hope of having a child anytime soon. I am the reason that my husband, who would be the most amazing father a child could ever have, may never get to be a Daddy.

The hurt that one feels when they cannot have a child is indescribable. It is an ache that is so deep and so raw. It is with me when I wake in the morning, it punches at my soul when I try and make it through yet another day, it keeps me up at night...It is a pain that does not leave you.

We have been trying to get pregnant for 6 years. At first we were just trying on our own, but when it didn't happen and didn't happen, we started realizing we might need some assistance. I have had surgery, steroids, hormones, fertility treatments and procedures that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. There is nothing more humiliating than being in a room full of people (I don't give a crap if they are "medical professionals") stark naked with them staring at everything you have and probing you with instruments that look like they came from a mail-order only catalog.

We have had moments where we thought we might be pregnant. I've seen more negative pregnancy tests than I care to admit and I've held out hope many times when I knew better...I just couldn't seem to help myself. And, I've had a doctor tell me that they think it might have actually worked this time, only to start my period a few hours later.

Being childless makes for awkward social situations. Everyone seems to want to center their social life around their children. And, honestly, if we had little ones of our own, we would probably be the same way. But, when you don't have them, it is frustrating to find ANYONE who wants to do anything that doesn't involve bedtimes/picky eaters/changing diapers. I think I am more sensitive to this because of how hard it is for Chris to be around small children. I can actually see the deep pain behind those macho expressions that seems to be screaming, I should have one too! As a for instance, we were standing in line to vote this weekend and there was a family with a 2 1/2 year old little girl in front of us. As we were standing there, she put her arms up for her Dad to pick her up and as he did she put her little hands on either side of his face and squeezed it together and said, "I love you, Daddy." Chris looked at me and said, "Why don't you just stab me thru my heart right now?" I knew exactly what he meant.

More people than I care to mention have offered advice on what we might be doing wrong and let us know what we should be doing to get a baby. And, we always have people telling us that they "know it's going to happen for us" or we get the "when you stop trying, that's when it will happen." And, while I know they mean well, it is painful to hear them try to pacify our pain when they have no way of knowing if we will ever be able to have one.

This last week, we had the possibility of getting a little boy through an open adoption. It was a VERY long shot, but still a possibility. We prayed and hoped and prayed some more and finally the news came that the mother had delivered the baby boy. Upon seeing him, she decided that she would be keeping him. While I know that there is nothing we could do differently, my heart broke at the news that once again, God seemed to be saying not you.

I don't know what the future holds. I do not know if we will ever have the good fortune of being parents. I do know that we will continue to rely on our family, our friends and most of all each other. And, while we will have many happy days ahead, we will both be incomplete until we are a Daddy and Mommy.