Another Year

Yesterday would have been my father's birthday. And, for the first time in the 9 years that he has been gone, I didn't cry.

It sounds silly to people who have not truly lost someone close to them, but the pain of that loss never leaves you. You do learn to turn it off a little better, but it is always there under the surface. And, while I feel that I can keep it in check pretty well now, there are times where it pops up out of the blue and I am suddenly sobbing uncontrollably. Someone mentions his name, or talks about how special their own father is, and boom, I am crying like a baby.


I am so fortunate to have had a father like mine was. He was a great listener; he could solve any problem I ever had; he could make me laugh no matter how sad/mad I was feeling; he was a great storyteller and had a beautiful smile; he loved his friends and family with his whole heart; he gave wonderful hugs (as most good fathers do!); he was so smart & funny...I could truly go on and on and on... :) I am still amazed by the number of lives he touched. And, I am most honored to call him my Daddy.


I am glad that I was able to reflect on him on his birthdate this year and not be consumed with the sadness that accompanies the loss of a loved one. Instead, I was filled with the love that I felt for him and the love that I know he felt for me. I bathed in the lovely memories that he left me with, most especially the blessing of having a parent who helped me grow, made me feel safe and cherished me. I gave praise to God for the great gift of having a father who was as wonderful as mine was.


I hope that you express to your family/friends how very much you love them everytime you see them. I know that families can be frustrating (trust me I know, I work with mine!), but they still are what have shaped you to be the human beings that you are. I am blessed in the knowledge that the last thing I said to my father and the last thing he said to me was, "I love you." And, more blessed because I know that we both meant it.

Help My Unbelief

One of my dear friends, Jenny, sent me this poem by Darlene Suter. It is based on Mark 9:20-24 and is a perfect summary of the feelings that I tried to express in my "A Little Truth" post, so I thought I'd share it with you guys. Here are the feelings I've been experiencing a little more eloquently:

God, it seems that everyone is confident but me.

They pat my back and smile and tell me not to worry.

They say that it will happen in just the perfect time.

And that if I just relax then everything will work out fine.

I know they aren't malicious and I know they all mean well

But do they truly see my heart and the pain of which it tells?

It's easy to have faith for rain with storm clouds in great supply.

But can you still believe when there's not a cloud in the sky?

I admit my faith often fails me and at times I'm ready to quit

And to be quite honest, I often don't want to submit.

I'm scared of your will and scared of your answer--afraid it will be "No."

I'm afraid I'll somehow lose myself and the grace that You bestow.

So help me on this journey, I pray, and when trials cause me not to see

Like a child of yours once said--I believe, Lord, help my unbelief.


Wishing you all a blessed Wednesday,

Scarlett

Eight Years

Today is the 8th Anniversary of our wedding day. Eight years ago, we became husband and wife. A mere 8 years ago, I got to stand before all of our friends and loved ones and marry my very best friend. Eight years ago today my life began.

Chris and I actually dated for 3 years before we got married, so we've actually been together ELEVEN years! For those of you who are not quick mathematicians, that is ONE THIRD of my life that we have spent together.

We met in a bar when I was in college at ECU and Chris was in the Marine Corps. (Side Note: We plan on telling our children we met in church. J/K!) We met in a lovely (sarcasm insert) place called the Texas Two Step. (For those of you who remember the place, don't be jealous!) We feel like it was fate that brought us together because neither one of us wanted to go out the night that we met. One of my girlfriends, Melanie, came to my apartment in Greenville and told me we were going out dancing. I tried everything I could to talk her out of it, but finally to appease her, I put on some lipstick and went out the door with her. (Note: No shower to get ready, no other makeup, no special outfit.) Chris, who had been recuperating for a couple of months from surgery on his ACL, was not in the mood to go out either. He had not really been off of the base much since his medical procedure and did everything he could to convince his friends that he was staying in his barracks. Luckily for me, they talked him into going at the last minute.

Melanie and I had been at the club for about an hour before I met my future husband. We had danced with a few people and talked to some more and I was really starting to feel like it was time to leave when a cute red head approached and, smiling, asked if we wanted to dance. From that first smile on, I never wanted to dance with anyone else.

I could never have imagined that first night all the joy that Chris would bring into my life. The thing that I love the most about him is the way he can make me laugh from the depths of my soul. We never go to bed without saying I love you and I never have to worry about whose side he is on...it is always mine. :) He is my biggest cheerleader and he loves me for me; He is loyal to a fault and would walk through fire to make me happy. He is the greatest thing to ever happen to me and the love of my life. And, he's a hottie! (Sorry, had to put that in here!)

Here's a picture of us on our wedding day, November 4, 2000.

Eight years has gone by in a flash. And, I still can't believe how lucky I am to have him as my husband.

A Little Truth...

A few of my readers know of the struggle that Chris and I have faced in our pursuit to be parents. For those of you who don't I will tell you that it has been one of the most difficult things that I have ever had to face. It has pushed me to points that have made me question my faith and my self-worth.

As a little girl, I seemed to have an obsession with having a baby of my own. Whenever my parents would ask me what I wanted for Christmas or my birthday, I always had the same reply...a baby. I didn't ask for another brother or a sister, I truly wanted a baby for myself. One that I could play with, teach things to and most of all, to love. I am 33 years old and still wishing for the same thing.

The problem for us lies with me and as much as people (Chris included) tell me that it is not my fault and that there is nothing I can do to help it, I still blame myself for it all. I am the reason that we do not have a baby. I am the reason that we have an empty bedroom in our house with no real hope of having a child anytime soon. I am the reason that my husband, who would be the most amazing father a child could ever have, may never get to be a Daddy.

The hurt that one feels when they cannot have a child is indescribable. It is an ache that is so deep and so raw. It is with me when I wake in the morning, it punches at my soul when I try and make it through yet another day, it keeps me up at night...It is a pain that does not leave you.

We have been trying to get pregnant for 6 years. At first we were just trying on our own, but when it didn't happen and didn't happen, we started realizing we might need some assistance. I have had surgery, steroids, hormones, fertility treatments and procedures that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. There is nothing more humiliating than being in a room full of people (I don't give a crap if they are "medical professionals") stark naked with them staring at everything you have and probing you with instruments that look like they came from a mail-order only catalog.

We have had moments where we thought we might be pregnant. I've seen more negative pregnancy tests than I care to admit and I've held out hope many times when I knew better...I just couldn't seem to help myself. And, I've had a doctor tell me that they think it might have actually worked this time, only to start my period a few hours later.

Being childless makes for awkward social situations. Everyone seems to want to center their social life around their children. And, honestly, if we had little ones of our own, we would probably be the same way. But, when you don't have them, it is frustrating to find ANYONE who wants to do anything that doesn't involve bedtimes/picky eaters/changing diapers. I think I am more sensitive to this because of how hard it is for Chris to be around small children. I can actually see the deep pain behind those macho expressions that seems to be screaming, I should have one too! As a for instance, we were standing in line to vote this weekend and there was a family with a 2 1/2 year old little girl in front of us. As we were standing there, she put her arms up for her Dad to pick her up and as he did she put her little hands on either side of his face and squeezed it together and said, "I love you, Daddy." Chris looked at me and said, "Why don't you just stab me thru my heart right now?" I knew exactly what he meant.

More people than I care to mention have offered advice on what we might be doing wrong and let us know what we should be doing to get a baby. And, we always have people telling us that they "know it's going to happen for us" or we get the "when you stop trying, that's when it will happen." And, while I know they mean well, it is painful to hear them try to pacify our pain when they have no way of knowing if we will ever be able to have one.

This last week, we had the possibility of getting a little boy through an open adoption. It was a VERY long shot, but still a possibility. We prayed and hoped and prayed some more and finally the news came that the mother had delivered the baby boy. Upon seeing him, she decided that she would be keeping him. While I know that there is nothing we could do differently, my heart broke at the news that once again, God seemed to be saying not you.

I don't know what the future holds. I do not know if we will ever have the good fortune of being parents. I do know that we will continue to rely on our family, our friends and most of all each other. And, while we will have many happy days ahead, we will both be incomplete until we are a Daddy and Mommy.